Just the five of us

"Rubbing the fuzz" 

Mom and Dad

All is good when you can be together!

As you can see our weekend together was filled with lots of laughs, memories and we probably shed more tears when we all had to leave. The weekend was a gift that solidified my belief in family first! My poor kids now will have to endure "just us" weekends in the years to come!

Thank you Mom, Dad, Caryl and Al! I love you more than you will ever know.

Last one!

Wow! Even in down times time can fly by. Today at 2pm was my last radiation treatment. I wish I felt more celebratory. On Friday, March 15th my father was diagnosed with
Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This has been a complete shock to us all and it feels confusing at the same time because he feels and looks so good. To be honest when he was admitted to the oncology floor on Friday it was hard to know which one of us the doctor was supposed to meet with.

So this week as I was was winding down my radiation my Dad began chemo at Fletcher Allen and will finish his first round tomorrow. We are quite the pair! I almost feel like my challenge was just a warm up for our family. We are digging deep and ready to take on this next battle! There is a ton of strength in our family and I am sure we have not even reached its depths.

Tomorrow my parents will head home and I will follow. My sisters are meeting us as well and it will be just the five of us for the weekend. We figured out we have not done this since before I was married. Alison, my youngest sister was 14! I am sure we will have a ton of laughs and tears but most importantly we will re-emerge from the weekend an even stronger unit. My biggest lesson in the past seven months has been to be in the moment and we will do just that.

What a difference a week makes!

So a week ago Sunday I was feeling quite sorry for myself but I am happy to report that I am back feeling my new self. It is amazing how fast we can emotionally turn around with the help of our friends and spouses when we are willing to put it all out there, cry and share.

I am in the home stretch of radiation - 8 more to go! I even have a bit of hair starting to grow just in time for Spring.

Here is a wonderful list of 45 life lessons a friend sent to me. I added a 46th.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

46. Enjoy your birthday, you are lucky to have one!

Birthday Blues

Warning: This writing is a complete therapy session to cure myself of my birthday blues! To begin this session one must reflect upon my early birthday "issues".  I believe I was turning five and having a regular birthday party when my "issues" became evident. My mom always tells the story that all was well until the kids started singing Happy Birthday and I hid under the table and would not come out! For as long as I can remember I haven't liked going to birthday parties and rarely have had one myself. Every year around March 3rd I begin a downward spiral.....As I have gotten older I decided that I probably just didn't like all the attention. Now here I am 46, blogging, putting everything out there and getting lots of attention. On more than one occasion this past year I have had good friends of mine ask, "Who are you? This isn't the Lynn I know." So I thought that one of my silver linings of having Breast Cancer I was going to be able to handle my birthday this year with grace and gratitude.

The day started innocently enough, my attitude was I am lucky to be able to have a birthday this year. I was in the Adirondacks with my family and had a day of cross country skiing ahead. Did I mention that it snowed all weekend long? It was beautiful, like being in the perfect snow globe; snow falling, white powder lacing the evergreen trees and a roaring fire inside.

We did have a wonderful ski and came home to pack up. My Dad was treating us all to dinner at the Whiteface Lodge in Lake Placid. We got a little dressed up and I was surprisingly feeling great about celebrating my birthday. The lodge is gorgeous! You almost feel like you are out west driving up to the log chalet with antler chandeliers and winding covered walkways to the grand entrance. We sat by the fire, ordered wine and waited for my parents and sister, Caryl. We ogled at the scenery and talked about doing a walking tour after dinner. I was so relaxed and happy......

We were having a wonderful evening out and sharing old family stories that make us laugh over and over again. Then from the back of me came the waitress carrying a cake with a ton of candles on it and my family started singing, Happy Birthday. If I could have hid under that table I would have. Maybe for a second I smiled, but then the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stand that people would be looking at me in my hat at the head of the table and wondering what was wrong with me. Most likely no one even noticed but inside me were some deep dark feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, loneliness, self loathing and disappointment that my loved ones did not get that this was my worst nightmare. I knew no one was trying to intentionally hurt me so I couldn't be mad. That might have been easier.  I guess I have done too good of a job being positive and strong but behind my smile there is a lot of sadness. I don't think I realized it until last night. I feel kinda broken.

All will be well but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me! Here's to next year celebrating my birthday with only tears of happiness, feeling younger than I do now and being able to laugh at my past birthday "issues"!

Everything is better with friends!

What a perfect way to end a less than 24 hour get away to Montreal! Daily radiation is more fun with the girls! Thank you Louisa!