No news is good news!

It is official! Besides being bald and out of shape, I feel fantastic! This week has been one of the best in a long time, no doctor's appointments, no naps or taking meds. I am my "new" normal running errands, going to basketball games, carpooling, cooking and getting out of the house. I never knew how much I appreciated the "routine" until now.

Last Friday I met with my Radiation Oncologist team and ran through a simulation of radiation, got tattooed(my first) and got an idea of my schedule. I start February 5th and will be done March 21st!  After chemo this next step isn't so scary and has few side effects (sunburnt skin and maybe some tiredness).  I also loved the team there and surprised myself by thinking I think I might enjoy seeing these people everyday!

Thank you everyone for reading all my crazy updates and supporting me along this journey. I am forever changed for the better and you all helped with that. For now I am going to concentrate on being my "new" normal which means I might update my blog but until March 21st,

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

Love to all,

Lynn

I am back!

After a rough couple of days I woke up today feeling close to normal! Yay for me! This fourth and last round of chemo really hit me hard physically and emotionally. I had a doctors appointment yesterday to get my blood drawn and tested. I had convinced myself 

I wasn't doing too well and that the nasty flu was going to get me. As soon as we got the results back saying everything looked great I immediately felt better. As the doctor said, 

"I am good to go!" and I needed to stop fretting about the flu. 

So I had my big outing of the year this morning and went to yoga with two of my good friends. I forgot how good positive energy can feel from a group of people! I was filled with pure happiness. Happiness that I was out in public in my bandana, cared for by my dear friends and I was participating in a group activity. The teacher started off the class with the Serenity Prayer: 

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace (I added this second part cause I love it!)

I felt serenity during the class and am still carrying it with me at the moment. After class my girlfriends and I had some tea and conversation. We discussed another S word Serendipity which to me connects with Serenity. Maybe when we stop trying to control the things we cannot change, our lives are more open to the serendipitous experiences presented before us. I hope I can bring this forward into my "new" life.

During my dark days this weekend I felt my old self crawling back and getting comfortable in this "new" body but I am happy to report today the new and opened Lynn is back. And I hope she is here to stay.

Sunday morning ramblings

Each and every chemo loungapalooza has had its own rhythm and rhyme. This one came in as a lamb and is feeling like a lion on its way out. Uggh! I have been such a big baby this weekend. I think I had my mind set on not feeling so bad and all of this chemo hasn't been "terrible" that when I felt awful over the last couple of days part of me felt let down. I think that goes back to the "super chemo lady" syndrome.

This is the homestretch! Now that I started this blog I struggle with how real is real? Do people really want to know how ugly sometimes this all feels?

When they tried to give me the blow by blow of what this all can feel like I remember the nurse telling me you will feel fatigue. I asked, "Like the flu?"

"No, it will be nothing you have felt before."

She was right. This is like hot flash after hot flash, along with muscle and bone aches. It comes and it goes and then it grabs you again. Your mouth feels like metal. You are so tired even stairs feel like a lot. Then you have your emotional self you have to combat. Thank goodness this is my last round! I cry at the thought of others especially children going through this and for longer durations. My experience pales in comparison. See now you can get a glimpse of the emotional battles in my head......

The good news is that I am feeling better this morning but plan on taking it easy on my body as well as my mind. I used to dread Mondays but look forward to tomorrow being an improvement.

I am assuming it only gets better from here.

Last one!

Last Chemo Loungapalooza!

I can hardly believe today was my last round of chemo cocktails! All the nurses got a chuckle asking why Stiles did not escort me this time. "Where's the swooning boy?" I don't know if they believed me when I said he was back at school but we had fun talking about him.

Today was a quiet one at the lounge. I got my favorite lounge chair facing the window and got to watch the snow come down while Curt worked beside me. I couldn't help but to reflect on my very first visit when a 20 year old boy sat across from me telling me his story and how excited he was to be almost done. That first day I also had an older woman to my right with her husband, she had battled breast cancer early on but now it had reoccurred. Back in November I had felt like they each were a sign. The boy represented timing. He had said it was rough being there all summer and not working. I had a wonderful summer with my family and couldn't imagine all of this mixed in on so many levels. The older woman was so strong including her adorable husband who exclaimed that they had been married too long to remember and had too many grandchildren to count. When she originally was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had not done chemo. This woman represented the huge advances medicine has had over the years and why I was sitting in that chair! I do not want to be back some day!

After I reflected, I imagined all of you, my friends and family cheering me on and the funny thing is I fell into a deep sleep. They had to wake me when I was done.

Today I felt stronger than I ever have felt during my illness. It is a different kind of strength that I cannot describe. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels good. The doctor said I will probably loose my eyebrows and eyelashes this time which is a bummer. The ironic thing is that I will probably look sicker but be feeling better on the inside. This could be a challenge!

January 18th I head to the hospital to be mapped for radiation and will go through a simulation treatment. Most likely in February I will start radiation everyday for 6 weeks. I won't get ahead of myself but thinking about getting in a ski or just thinking ahead to spring is intoxicating!

Onward!

xo Lynn

Power of prayer

First of all happy 2013! I can't believe our wonderful holidays are coming to a close. Soon we will be taking down all the Christmas decorations and hunkering down for the winter. When I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have to be honest, I was a little uncomfortable with people saying I was in their prayers or praying for me daily. My sister even gave me a prayer shawl. I was open to prayer but not all that familiar with it on my own. I don't believe in asking God to make me all better or making deals with Him. I only felt comfortable asking for strength, positive thoughts or vibes from all those around me.

December 21st one of my favorite people in the world called me and left a message. The message was beautiful and funny at the same time. Shannon said she needed to share a story (she has four kids ages 5-13). Before the holidays the kids had been fighting and the house was full of "negative energy".  All she wanted was some positive energy to fill the house so she devised a solution that when the kids were fighting they need to sit out and think about their issue and say a prayer. Before she knew it she had to sit two of them down and one asked what do I pray for? Thinking on her feet Shannon said, "Why don't you pray for my friend, Lynn." She shared that this solution was working pretty well in their house and often one of the kids yells out to a sibling, "You better take a time out and pray for mommy's friend, Lynn!" Well, I don't know how many prayers were said for me down in Florida but I do know that I have had a lot of prayers said for me; my friends and family, prayer chains to a group of women called the "Soul Sisters" in Connecticut. I also know that there is something to be said about the power of prayer. Over the holidays I have felt the best I have felt in weeks; positive, energetic and happy. I was able to participate in all our family traditions from Christmas to New Years! Maybe it was just being with family and friends or the gift of tons of snow but this year I am going with the power of prayer!

Thank you for all the prayers, positive thoughts and the belief that all will be well!