thinking of you

Dad, May the force be with you tomorrow! I just downloaded our pictures from Thanksgiving and loved this photo of us. Who knew that cancer could be such a bonding experience?! I remember last Thanksgiving and many times in my own journey that I felt very lonely even when I was surrounded by everyone I loved. I am not sure that you have felt like this but if you have I hope it has helped that we have cancer in common. Both of us have different stories but I do feel like we have been able to share the beautiful parts of being in this together. I love you tons and know in my heart the outcome of tomorrow's tests will be good. Love, Lynn

Favorite t-shirt

Celebration Hike!

What a gorgeous Vermont day for a hiking celebration! Thank you to my friends that joined us and sent us positive energy this morning! The celebration was just what I needed to officially honor the day and the journey! Who knew when I climbed Camels Hump last year at this time that I would feel so healthy in my mind, body and spirit today! I will treasure this journey and will be forever grateful for my friends and family near and far that have held me so close this past year and carried me through. Also a special shout out to my doctors and nurses that made this journey as good as it could be. We are so lucky to have such good caring care in our community!

One last special thank you goes to my husband who saw it all this year; the good, the bad and the ugly and loved me anyways! Curt, your consistent positive attitude kept me afloat. I love you!

Re: September 20th plan

Hi everyone,

I cannot believe that a year ago September 19th I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and on the 20th I climbed Camels Hump feeling scared and unsure of what the year would bring. I vowed to climb it at this time not knowing if it would be my first of the year or one of many. I am happy to report it will be one of many climbs in the last few months. I have struggled with making it a big a occasion or just letting it pass. But as Andrea Mahoney said, "Why don't we just celebrate friendships? " I loved that take. So here is what I have come up with:

September 20th join Curt and I for a silent (as best you can) hike up Camels Hump. I hope we can all reflect upon our own resilience and gratitude and the people that help us get there. Then once we get to the top we can can celebrate just being together and the energy that creates! And I will honor that I would not trade this past year for anything. Ok, well maybe I would have kept my hair. : )

Meet at our house at 8:30am or up at the Burrows Trail at 9ish. (let me know if you will join us so we can wait for everyone)

If you can't join us in the morning come do Light the Night with us in Burlington at 6pm. Here is a link to our team. The more the merrier!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/uny/Burlingt13/StilesSTRONG

I know my plan is very last minute so I totally understand if this doesn't work for you. Please feel free to share this information. I thought I would start with all of you since you all asked me at one time or another, "What are you going to do on the 20th?". 

Thank you for the nudge!

Love, Lynn

September 20th Camels Hump!

Even in tough times time really can fly by! So here's the plan:

Join us or think of us....

Friday, September 20th

Lets meet at my house at 8:30am and we can carpool to the mountain. Or meet us up there for the Burrows Trail.

Warning: I may be a mess that day. I almost didn't want to climb because I am sad that my Mom and Dad can't be there. (We might need to do this next year with them)

Also I am so GRATEFUL in too many ways to count! There will be more tears than I had that same day last year for such different reasons.

Thank you.

xo L

Dancing in the rain

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. 

It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

I sent this quote to my Mom the other day via text and I got back quickly "we are dancing as fast as we can." All the stars have aligned for my Dad and August 15th he will be checking in to Mass General for a stem cell transplant. It will be a lengthy ordeal but it is his best chance for survival. If I haven't worn out my welcome we could use all the prayers and positive thoughts of strength and healing to come his way for the next couple of months. 

The last few weeks we have all had the opportunity to spend time together as a family and a highlight was Tupperpalooza. Organized by my sister, Alison, 14 of us Stiles and Wills girls and their family entered the 2013 Tupperpalooza Warrior Run. 3.5 miles of mountain climbing, obstacles and did I mention lots of mud? What a way to "dance in the rain" all together in support of our family. I have never felt so lucky and proud of being part of my family as I did that day.

Call me crazy!

I am baaack! I miss writing and want to share the most amazing month ever! June started with a whine, "Why did I sign up for this Lake Placid half marathon?!? What was I thinking?" Well, I am glad I did not think too much about it and just did it! (Note to self remember don't over think things....) My whole attitude towards running this race needed to be readjusted. I had not trained as I had intended, I am not the same after cancer and like everyone else our family had lots going on!  So I went into race day knowing I would finish and I could walk if I wanted to. Time did not matter. I had my family and friends along with me what could be better? Nothing! It was a wonderful day full of good energy, conversation and surprises. There is something so powerful within accomplishing something for yourself and sharing the journey with people whether it is family, friends or strangers. Which brings me to the next story......

Back in April I went to a comedy show with a fellow teacher. At the end of the show one of the comics came out and said, " IF you think you could do this, classes start in a few weeks. Come join us! " My friend looks at me and says, "Could you do that? " I said, "My god, NO! That is the scariest thing I could ever think of! " That night I couldn't get it out of my mind. This past year I have been thinking about what could I do that would be totally out of my comfort zone. I have been wanting to take advantage of time not working and recovering. To be honest if I could leave my family I would have chosen to go travel to India or something exotic but this is reality and I am here. SO as a dare to myself I signed up for comedy class! It was an 8 week class held on Monday nights with a performance at the end. It seemed perfect. I love to laugh and it was TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. That first Monday was brutal. I kept on thinking of ways that I could get into an accident or something so I wouldn't have to go. But I went. After a quick lecture and some writing we all had to get up and perform. OK you know where this is going I loved it! I have no idea if it was the adrenaline of being so terrified or how proud I felt of myself getting up there in front of 10 strangers but I felt like a million bucks after that first class. The 8 weeks had its ups and downs. It is one thing to get up there once but then every week you were writing new material and performing. Lets just say I had my good days and not so good ones. Before I knew it the performance was upon me. I told Saige I had not been this nervous for anything since maybe my wedding day and even now I am not sure I was that anxious for that. I had a small fan club in the audience including my parents. The show was a success and a highlight of anything I have ever done in my life! (Note to self....doing things out of your comfort zone is empowering!) It has been over a week and I still feel the glow of that night while writing this.

Mixed in with these activities this month Stiles came home from a hugely successful year at boarding school then promptly left for a school sponsored community service trip to Thailand and returned safely with a lifetime of experiences. He started work the very next day as beach attendant at our local beach. Saige graduated 8th grade surrounded by family but most importantly her special group of friends that she has been with almost all from preschool. I could not be more proud of the kindness they share among a rather large group of girls. The past few weeks she has been thrown herself into getting ready for a totally new experience, a small Catholic high school by starting a large amount of summer reading and a summer basketball league.

My Dad has continues to thrive and beat the odds! This month he got the good news after a bone marrow biopsy that he is in remission! As this is exciting news it also means they need to act quickly to see if he can have a stem cell transplant. Some stars need to align for him but so far they seem to be lining up! I honestly feel like my challenge with breast cancer was just our training for what is in front of us!

Next week we head over to the Adirondacks to be all together. We hope to do some paddling and just have some good quality time all together by the lake. Nothing out of the ordinary is planned for July and all is good.

My family sans Christian who was getting a massage.

Amy, Kathy, Brian, Curt and I
Amy and Kathy's first half ever! Congrats!

After my show!
I even got flowers!

Just got this! Link to my 5 minute set:  http://youtu.be/Yeb_etNS2lI

This amazing life!

I am writing this entry with a new found energy and lightness that I discovered within myself at Kripalu in the Berkshires.  My retreat was called Radiance, the class focused on creating your life after cancer. A truly transformational experience for me. I hope you all felt the gratitude pouring out of me that weekend for all the support and love I received during this journey. I will be forever changed by that and hope I will be able to give as much as I have been given by all of you.

During our time there we did a class on journaling and I want to share one as my official signing off.

With love and gratitude,
Lynn


The exercise was to free write with the prompt of What does your amazing life look like?

This is my amazing life! In this amazing life I will continue to be my own best friend. She has served me well. I will honor myself and know that I am worthy of this amazing, wonderful, magical life. In my amazing life I will be present at all times, trust that I am being the best parent, wife, daughter, sister and friend that I can be and trust that life will work the way it needs to. I really want to be my true self, be able to love freely without fear or expectations. Honor myself, my choir and my journey. I hope I find a passion that feeds this new me. I am eager to know what that looks like but will have to have the patience to just be and see what emerges. I am Lynn Strong! I am grateful for the new eyes cancer has given me. This next chapter of This Amazing Life is beautifully unwritten.                             May 10, 2013

Radiance: Create an Amazing Life After Cancer | Kripalu Healthy Living

I cannot believe I am leaving tomorrow for this retreat! It felt like a lifetime ago when I signed up knowing by this time I would be all done with all my treatment. Who knew I would get my first haircut (shaping) today as well. Woo hoo for me!

Hats off in celebration!

Greetings from sunny Sanibel, Florida! What a wonderful time to be able to go without a hat for the first time since November. The sunshine and warmth does a person good! Though we are so missing my parents down here we are making the best of our vacation and enjoying every minute. We have lots to celebrate! Happy Birthday Curtie!

The rest is up to me!

This week I had check ins with my oncologist and my surgeon. All is well and I will be closely watched with appointments every three months for oncology and six months for the surgeon. I have been riding quite the roller coaster since I finished radiation. One day I am up and the next I am down. Sometimes it lasts more than a day. I have been surprised that being done feels harder than while I was in the thick of it. It was easier to power through a set plan the doctors had for me. I had to come clean last weekend with Curt and admit that I was struggling. Although my appointment with my doctor was good, the reality of Breast Cancer is that it is not ever really over. I will take Tamoxifen to start with and we will evaluate in two years when we see if I am really in menopause. The menopause thing is a whole other story that I am not so sure how real I want to be about it but I am sad. I never thought I would say that and I do not want any more children but never the less I am sad about it.

OK with the above being said I am ready to move forward. I owe it to my family not to wallow in feeling sorry for myself. It is human to feel all types of ways and often in my case it is all at once. This morning I have felt joy, sadness, gratitude, strength and a bit crazy and it is only 10:45am!

Here are the top 7 things I am focusing on:

1.  Fake it till you make it
2.  One day at a time
3.  This next step is up to me
4.  Attitude and gratitude is everything
5.  Love your body
6.  Just be yourself
7.  Hold your head up high there is no room for shame

So one day at a time and we will see where this all goes. Onward!

Just the five of us

"Rubbing the fuzz" 

Mom and Dad

All is good when you can be together!

As you can see our weekend together was filled with lots of laughs, memories and we probably shed more tears when we all had to leave. The weekend was a gift that solidified my belief in family first! My poor kids now will have to endure "just us" weekends in the years to come!

Thank you Mom, Dad, Caryl and Al! I love you more than you will ever know.

Last one!

Wow! Even in down times time can fly by. Today at 2pm was my last radiation treatment. I wish I felt more celebratory. On Friday, March 15th my father was diagnosed with
Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This has been a complete shock to us all and it feels confusing at the same time because he feels and looks so good. To be honest when he was admitted to the oncology floor on Friday it was hard to know which one of us the doctor was supposed to meet with.

So this week as I was was winding down my radiation my Dad began chemo at Fletcher Allen and will finish his first round tomorrow. We are quite the pair! I almost feel like my challenge was just a warm up for our family. We are digging deep and ready to take on this next battle! There is a ton of strength in our family and I am sure we have not even reached its depths.

Tomorrow my parents will head home and I will follow. My sisters are meeting us as well and it will be just the five of us for the weekend. We figured out we have not done this since before I was married. Alison, my youngest sister was 14! I am sure we will have a ton of laughs and tears but most importantly we will re-emerge from the weekend an even stronger unit. My biggest lesson in the past seven months has been to be in the moment and we will do just that.

What a difference a week makes!

So a week ago Sunday I was feeling quite sorry for myself but I am happy to report that I am back feeling my new self. It is amazing how fast we can emotionally turn around with the help of our friends and spouses when we are willing to put it all out there, cry and share.

I am in the home stretch of radiation - 8 more to go! I even have a bit of hair starting to grow just in time for Spring.

Here is a wonderful list of 45 life lessons a friend sent to me. I added a 46th.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

46. Enjoy your birthday, you are lucky to have one!

Birthday Blues

Warning: This writing is a complete therapy session to cure myself of my birthday blues! To begin this session one must reflect upon my early birthday "issues".  I believe I was turning five and having a regular birthday party when my "issues" became evident. My mom always tells the story that all was well until the kids started singing Happy Birthday and I hid under the table and would not come out! For as long as I can remember I haven't liked going to birthday parties and rarely have had one myself. Every year around March 3rd I begin a downward spiral.....As I have gotten older I decided that I probably just didn't like all the attention. Now here I am 46, blogging, putting everything out there and getting lots of attention. On more than one occasion this past year I have had good friends of mine ask, "Who are you? This isn't the Lynn I know." So I thought that one of my silver linings of having Breast Cancer I was going to be able to handle my birthday this year with grace and gratitude.

The day started innocently enough, my attitude was I am lucky to be able to have a birthday this year. I was in the Adirondacks with my family and had a day of cross country skiing ahead. Did I mention that it snowed all weekend long? It was beautiful, like being in the perfect snow globe; snow falling, white powder lacing the evergreen trees and a roaring fire inside.

We did have a wonderful ski and came home to pack up. My Dad was treating us all to dinner at the Whiteface Lodge in Lake Placid. We got a little dressed up and I was surprisingly feeling great about celebrating my birthday. The lodge is gorgeous! You almost feel like you are out west driving up to the log chalet with antler chandeliers and winding covered walkways to the grand entrance. We sat by the fire, ordered wine and waited for my parents and sister, Caryl. We ogled at the scenery and talked about doing a walking tour after dinner. I was so relaxed and happy......

We were having a wonderful evening out and sharing old family stories that make us laugh over and over again. Then from the back of me came the waitress carrying a cake with a ton of candles on it and my family started singing, Happy Birthday. If I could have hid under that table I would have. Maybe for a second I smiled, but then the tears started flowing and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stand that people would be looking at me in my hat at the head of the table and wondering what was wrong with me. Most likely no one even noticed but inside me were some deep dark feelings of humiliation, embarrassment, loneliness, self loathing and disappointment that my loved ones did not get that this was my worst nightmare. I knew no one was trying to intentionally hurt me so I couldn't be mad. That might have been easier.  I guess I have done too good of a job being positive and strong but behind my smile there is a lot of sadness. I don't think I realized it until last night. I feel kinda broken.

All will be well but I know I have a lot of work ahead of me! Here's to next year celebrating my birthday with only tears of happiness, feeling younger than I do now and being able to laugh at my past birthday "issues"!

Everything is better with friends!

What a perfect way to end a less than 24 hour get away to Montreal! Daily radiation is more fun with the girls! Thank you Louisa!

It Takes a Village!

Week two down and four more to go!

Today I had one of those days that I probably should have stayed in bed. Nothing really went right. Saige was home sick with a fever so a few things like a ride to my radiation and a run with a friend needed to be cancelled. All was fine until I went to get into the car to drive myself to the hospital. (thinking it would be easier so I could get in and out and back to Saige) Well, go figure I had no keys! I had left them in my car that went to the shop this morning with Curt. This would be all well and good if this stuff did not happen to me all the time. I am getting tired of saying "oops I forgot.....you know its chemo brain....sorry."

After a few phone calls, my friend Joanne was able to come to the rescue this time and drive me to my appointment. Thanks Joanne! The Radiation Oncologist technicians were very accommodating as well. I couldn't help but think about how many people it has taken to help me through this fight against cancer, honesty it has taken a village!

I really appreciate all the continued support and well wishes. Besides getting the stomach flu last week and losing my mind, all is well. I never did lose my eyebrows or eyelashes just a little thinning and no signs of hair growth just yet. (I have another month or so) I have to say it is funny I often forget that I have no hair and look different. This is where "oops I forgot.....you know its chemo brain....." comes into play again or not, who knows.... I have had some strange looks when I say hi and people have no clue who I am. Oh well. The flip side is the strangers that I meet that share their stories and a hug or two. So I continue onward and am so grateful I have a village of supporters behind me! Thank you.

xo Lynn

Hearts, love, forever, together and open

The other day I was talking to a friend and she was describing how she felt after someone special to her had suddenly passed away, "I felt like my heart was ripped open." I totally understood that feeling and quickly welled up with tears. When we come into this world I believe we are born with open hearts and over time layers of our experiences protect and cover up that beautiful heart of ours.  For some it is a death, being told you have cancer, a disappointment or a realization that rips our hearts open. It is so painful we might not be able to feel anything at first but with that heart "ripped open" at the seams we are given a choice to feel and learn or patch it up quickly and move forward without reflection. If you chose to feel it I believe there can be beauty in the pain.

I find that one day my heart is patched up, moving on and other days its wide open. Do we need a tragic event to open us up again? Have we had chances along the way to open our hearts but we didn't recognize them? How do we keep that feeling of an overwhelming love, acceptance and inner openness everyday? I wish I knew the answers.

All I know is that I wouldn't trade this ripped up old heart for anything and I can only do my best everyday. Breast Cancer has given me a gift of slowing down my life enough to actually feel it and I am grateful.

Happy Valentines Day!

1 Down 31 to go!

My first of thirty two radiation treatments was today. I found myself a little melancholy this morning that my break was over and that I was reminded again that I have Breast Cancer. You would think being bald would be enough but when you feel good on the inside that is all that matters.

All went well and I am sure the next six weeks will fly by like time usually does. The silver lining is that I have the best nurse ever and I already feel like I have a new friend. She is a survivor as well and is totally an inspiration and a kindred spirit.

Now that I know the routine  the anxiety has leveled off and I am ready for tomorrow.

Bring it on!

Well at least after I take my nap this afternoon.......

Lynn Alpeter: Lake Placid Marathon and Half Welcome

It is official! It may not be pretty but I'll be out there!

Begin forwarded message:

From: Info@LakePlacidMarathon.com

Subject: Lynn Alpeter: Lake Placid Marathon and Half Welcome

Date: February 5, 2013 12:59:59 PM EST

To: lynn.alpeter@gmail.com

Reply-To: Info@LakePlacidMarathon.com

Dear Lynn Alpeter:

Welcome to the 9th annual Lake Placid Marathon & Half Marathon!  Your are now registerd for the 13.1 mile Half Marathon race. Race Day is Sunday, June 9, 2013 (8:00 AM Start).  Athlete Check-In will take place on Saturday, June 8, 2013 from 1:00 PM to 6:00 PM. Photo I.D. is required. Race Day Check-In is also available beginning at 6:00 AM at the Olympic Oval (not recommended). Photo I.D. is required.  For ongoing Race Weekend updates and Latest News bookmark and monitor www.LakePlacidMarathon.com Thank you for choosing our Half Marathon and we look forward to hosting you in June!  Your LPM Staff  P.S. Be sure to secure your special Race Weekend accomodations package at our Official Host Hotel, the Golden Arrow Lakeside Resort at:  http://www.golden-arrow.com

Re entry

The past few weeks have been wonderful and moving. Everyday that I wake up feeling good feels like a gift. From stopping at our corner store, breakfast with friends, driving Saige to the dentist to attending basketball games, my re-entry into a normal routine has been warm and welcoming. I am so touched by the hugs and smiles, they mean the world to me. I really appreciate people acknowledging what I am going through. At times during this journey I wondered if I would wish I hadn't been so open, but right now, I know I would not change a thing. People share with me and give back more than they know. My conversations and relationships are richer and more meaningful than ever! This has been one of the many silver linings of Breast Cancer.

Now, the next step is making sure I keep sacred all I have learned and I hope I continue feeling that every morning is a gift. Last week I started running and exercising again. I wish I could say it felt great, but it hurt! I kept reminding myself of why I was doing this, it's because I can. Being out and about is a lot easier than being "in my head and body". On one hand, I want to beat the s#*! out of myself to punish my body for betraying me and then there is part of me that wants to treat myself gingerly so I don't get hurt again. I think I landed somewhere in the middle in these last two weeks with only one melt down, courtesy of my furry friends!

I start radiation Tuesday, so my little honeymoon is over for now. I am curious what this next part of the journey will hold........

No news is good news!

It is official! Besides being bald and out of shape, I feel fantastic! This week has been one of the best in a long time, no doctor's appointments, no naps or taking meds. I am my "new" normal running errands, going to basketball games, carpooling, cooking and getting out of the house. I never knew how much I appreciated the "routine" until now.

Last Friday I met with my Radiation Oncologist team and ran through a simulation of radiation, got tattooed(my first) and got an idea of my schedule. I start February 5th and will be done March 21st!  After chemo this next step isn't so scary and has few side effects (sunburnt skin and maybe some tiredness).  I also loved the team there and surprised myself by thinking I think I might enjoy seeing these people everyday!

Thank you everyone for reading all my crazy updates and supporting me along this journey. I am forever changed for the better and you all helped with that. For now I am going to concentrate on being my "new" normal which means I might update my blog but until March 21st,

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS!

Love to all,

Lynn

I am back!

After a rough couple of days I woke up today feeling close to normal! Yay for me! This fourth and last round of chemo really hit me hard physically and emotionally. I had a doctors appointment yesterday to get my blood drawn and tested. I had convinced myself 

I wasn't doing too well and that the nasty flu was going to get me. As soon as we got the results back saying everything looked great I immediately felt better. As the doctor said, 

"I am good to go!" and I needed to stop fretting about the flu. 

So I had my big outing of the year this morning and went to yoga with two of my good friends. I forgot how good positive energy can feel from a group of people! I was filled with pure happiness. Happiness that I was out in public in my bandana, cared for by my dear friends and I was participating in a group activity. The teacher started off the class with the Serenity Prayer: 

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace (I added this second part cause I love it!)

I felt serenity during the class and am still carrying it with me at the moment. After class my girlfriends and I had some tea and conversation. We discussed another S word Serendipity which to me connects with Serenity. Maybe when we stop trying to control the things we cannot change, our lives are more open to the serendipitous experiences presented before us. I hope I can bring this forward into my "new" life.

During my dark days this weekend I felt my old self crawling back and getting comfortable in this "new" body but I am happy to report today the new and opened Lynn is back. And I hope she is here to stay.

Sunday morning ramblings

Each and every chemo loungapalooza has had its own rhythm and rhyme. This one came in as a lamb and is feeling like a lion on its way out. Uggh! I have been such a big baby this weekend. I think I had my mind set on not feeling so bad and all of this chemo hasn't been "terrible" that when I felt awful over the last couple of days part of me felt let down. I think that goes back to the "super chemo lady" syndrome.

This is the homestretch! Now that I started this blog I struggle with how real is real? Do people really want to know how ugly sometimes this all feels?

When they tried to give me the blow by blow of what this all can feel like I remember the nurse telling me you will feel fatigue. I asked, "Like the flu?"

"No, it will be nothing you have felt before."

She was right. This is like hot flash after hot flash, along with muscle and bone aches. It comes and it goes and then it grabs you again. Your mouth feels like metal. You are so tired even stairs feel like a lot. Then you have your emotional self you have to combat. Thank goodness this is my last round! I cry at the thought of others especially children going through this and for longer durations. My experience pales in comparison. See now you can get a glimpse of the emotional battles in my head......

The good news is that I am feeling better this morning but plan on taking it easy on my body as well as my mind. I used to dread Mondays but look forward to tomorrow being an improvement.

I am assuming it only gets better from here.

Last one!

Last Chemo Loungapalooza!

I can hardly believe today was my last round of chemo cocktails! All the nurses got a chuckle asking why Stiles did not escort me this time. "Where's the swooning boy?" I don't know if they believed me when I said he was back at school but we had fun talking about him.

Today was a quiet one at the lounge. I got my favorite lounge chair facing the window and got to watch the snow come down while Curt worked beside me. I couldn't help but to reflect on my very first visit when a 20 year old boy sat across from me telling me his story and how excited he was to be almost done. That first day I also had an older woman to my right with her husband, she had battled breast cancer early on but now it had reoccurred. Back in November I had felt like they each were a sign. The boy represented timing. He had said it was rough being there all summer and not working. I had a wonderful summer with my family and couldn't imagine all of this mixed in on so many levels. The older woman was so strong including her adorable husband who exclaimed that they had been married too long to remember and had too many grandchildren to count. When she originally was diagnosed with breast cancer, she had not done chemo. This woman represented the huge advances medicine has had over the years and why I was sitting in that chair! I do not want to be back some day!

After I reflected, I imagined all of you, my friends and family cheering me on and the funny thing is I fell into a deep sleep. They had to wake me when I was done.

Today I felt stronger than I ever have felt during my illness. It is a different kind of strength that I cannot describe. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it feels good. The doctor said I will probably loose my eyebrows and eyelashes this time which is a bummer. The ironic thing is that I will probably look sicker but be feeling better on the inside. This could be a challenge!

January 18th I head to the hospital to be mapped for radiation and will go through a simulation treatment. Most likely in February I will start radiation everyday for 6 weeks. I won't get ahead of myself but thinking about getting in a ski or just thinking ahead to spring is intoxicating!

Onward!

xo Lynn

Power of prayer

First of all happy 2013! I can't believe our wonderful holidays are coming to a close. Soon we will be taking down all the Christmas decorations and hunkering down for the winter. When I first was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have to be honest, I was a little uncomfortable with people saying I was in their prayers or praying for me daily. My sister even gave me a prayer shawl. I was open to prayer but not all that familiar with it on my own. I don't believe in asking God to make me all better or making deals with Him. I only felt comfortable asking for strength, positive thoughts or vibes from all those around me.

December 21st one of my favorite people in the world called me and left a message. The message was beautiful and funny at the same time. Shannon said she needed to share a story (she has four kids ages 5-13). Before the holidays the kids had been fighting and the house was full of "negative energy".  All she wanted was some positive energy to fill the house so she devised a solution that when the kids were fighting they need to sit out and think about their issue and say a prayer. Before she knew it she had to sit two of them down and one asked what do I pray for? Thinking on her feet Shannon said, "Why don't you pray for my friend, Lynn." She shared that this solution was working pretty well in their house and often one of the kids yells out to a sibling, "You better take a time out and pray for mommy's friend, Lynn!" Well, I don't know how many prayers were said for me down in Florida but I do know that I have had a lot of prayers said for me; my friends and family, prayer chains to a group of women called the "Soul Sisters" in Connecticut. I also know that there is something to be said about the power of prayer. Over the holidays I have felt the best I have felt in weeks; positive, energetic and happy. I was able to participate in all our family traditions from Christmas to New Years! Maybe it was just being with family and friends or the gift of tons of snow but this year I am going with the power of prayer!

Thank you for all the prayers, positive thoughts and the belief that all will be well!